Life Goes On
by riverbelle
Summary: Bella moved on to college after graduating and after Edward left. She feels lost and empty but desperately tries to fill the void. After time apart will a chance encounter bring the truth to light, will there be a happy ending? XD
1. Chapter 1: A Chance Encounter

**Chapter 1- A chance encounter**

**B.P.O.V**

"He left. He didn't want you. He didn't need you. You weren't good enough" I chanted to myself over and over again. It was part of my morning ritual when I woke up in my dorm room alone. I am not sure why I said it each morning, I think it was to prepare myself for the day ahead, the emptiness ahead. I had moved on a little since he left me. Stranded me. Abandoned me. Since he escaped. I guess I had escaped as well. Forks no longer was home. I had graduated and moved on. Moved on to Harvard of all places. All because of a scholarship that Charlie had applied for, behind my back. He knew I would not be able to turn the chance down and so I was at Harvard. My degree was literature and history. My two passions in life. My only passion life. Passion other wise was none existent. That is not to say I was socially isolated or spent my evenings sitting in my room alone. Much the opposite. Here there were people who wanted me. Who found me good enough and while they were not him, the feelings of being wanted of being needed were addictive and helped ease the pain I felt everyday since I was left alone on the path. Odd how I was left on the path yet I had no direction, no purpose anymore.

I was doing well in my schooling. Passing everything, my assignments were always was returned with near full marks. I was a champion student, but as I had reflected on before, my life was an empty night sky devoid of stars. Alone. I think I would always be alone. It was that time my alarm decided to go off. Well it was set to for 7:00 am and it was time for me to start the Friday ritual. A scheduled 2 hour lecture on ancient history, I knew from the course content and my reading ahead that today was culture and arts in ancient Rome. I doubted it would be interesting and I highly doubted the lecturer, Professor Gibbs, could say anything I had not yet read or anything that would keep my attention. It was unusual for a professor though to continue content on the last day of the semester. Sunday I would be returning to Charlie's in Forks. I turned the alarm, got up to shower grabbed a pair of jeans and a simple black hoodie. My wardrobe was more established then it had been in Forks but was still slightly disappointing well it would have been to a certain over the top person I once knew. I could not stop the tears that rushed to the surface when I thought of her, because thinking of her led to thinking of them and that inevitably led to thinking of him. I pushed those wounds, the pain and unwanted memories to the back of my mind. A shower is exactly what I needed. The morning process continued after the shower I raced to the coffee shop just downstairs. I needed breakfast plus the distraction. Unwanted thoughts are not easy to push aside when alone. My room mate Darcy was still sleeping she was lucky to have no classes to this afternoon.

I slipped on some boots and strolled downstairs the smell of coffee and fresh pastries were a reminder of my skipped dinner last night. I smiled at some familiar faces, their name's I could not tell you, they were just faces. Probably people from parties I had attended. Yes I attended parties now, I was not the party person but I meet people, or the people I was with and friends enjoyed them.

The coffee shop was crowded but then a number of classes started early Friday.

"Bella. Love over here" I smiled at Josh, ignoring the pain that had again risen to the surface. If he is going to call me love it is time to move on. I could not be called love, _he_ called me love, but I liked Josh. He was sweet, he helped me made me feel good enough and when we spent the night together he kept the nightmares of being inadequate, of being lost and adrift away. In his arms I did not feel safe I could not find a place I felt safe, but I felt needed. Josh was attractive, what he or the other two guys I had seen and been with since starting school were. I am not sure what they saw in me, but I was told I was pretty, beautiful and attractive. I did not agree with them. Danny, told me I was ravenous, I left him shortly after that. Before Danny was Mitch I was still friends or well an acquaintance with Mitch. Darcy constantly told me how strange I was for being friends with my first, even though the break may have been easy and we were both on friendly terms she could not understand how.

"Hi" what a great reply. "I will be right back. I just need my caffeine fix." he laughed at me and held up an extra mug while gesturing to the danish on the table. "I have already taken care of that." He smiled at me. Urgh, he is so sweet but so not who I was meant to be with.

_Stop it Bella, you were not meant to be with him, Josh is good for you, so very into you and he makes life seems better. _I argued internally. Once I had pushed the negative side of me into the back of my mind I focused on what Josh had to say, realising I had missed half of the his one way conversation.

"Pardon?"

"The party tonight, being held on floor 3 of your dorm building are you, are we going tonight? Or do you want to just grab dinner and then some movies and have a quite night just the two of us?"

"I don't care, the party could be fun" his face fell "but we can always have an early night and just walk down the flight of stairs to my room." his normal smile quickly replaced the frown that was there just before. His grey blue eyes sparkled as thought to the evening ahead. He leant over the table and kissed me gently. I kissed him back there was no fireworks, no passion but it was nice. _No nightmares tonight, he wants you and he thinks you are worth being around. _I told myself smiling at the thought of relief from the hurt of my past.

The rest of the morning passed quickly. I was correct in thinking the lecture would be boring. I could have given the class more relevant information and made it more interesting. I retreated to my room to pack up the small amount of belongings I was taking back to Forks with me. Only to be accosted by Darcy who felt the need to drag me shopping as she was skipping her last lecture for the semester. Why sleep in the chair when I can by something fabulous to wear to the party tonight. She smiled her winning smile. I backed down it was easier to give into my crazy blonde haired friend's pleading. I was in need for some fun and shopping with Darcy was always fun. She managed to come up with the wackiest combinations that worked. My wardrobe had grown considerably under her careful eye, it helped with both enjoyed browsing through the op shops, the amazing finds there always gave us a happy high. Time passed to quickly. It has been a long time since I have thought time passed quickly. I'm shocked by that thought and I felt myself freeze in place. Darcy yanked my arm and pulled me forward yelling at me to hurry up because we did not have long til the party began.

The music was loud, too loud, I could not hear myself think, I could not hear the lyrics all I could feel was the beat. The beat of the music excited me. Another new emotion, I wondered what was happening to me. Why was I able to smile easily, why was I able to breathe easier and look forward to something. I have not looked forward to anything in a long time. Maybe my more optimistic side hoped _Josh is the one for you, maybe he is making you whole. _My less optimistic side snorted in scorn, viciously destroying my sense of peace. _You really believe this simple boy can make you happy after your six months of bliss… _

"Hello Bell" Josh, came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my middle kissing my cheek. I shifted I was uncomfortable my recent thoughts had left me shattered. "you ok?" he asked concerned when time had passed and I had yet to replied. I forced a smile.

"I am ok. I'm just a little surprised at how busy it is so early." He laughed at me, an easy chuckle.

"I know you and crowd's do not mix well and I know you aren't a fan of parties. We don't have to stay long."

Darcy came tearing over drink in one hand. She grabbed me dragged me to the area that had been cleared for dancing.

"Come on Bella" she begged "dance with me" I pleaded to be left alone stating my no dancing rule. I did not dance she knew that. Only one person had gotten me to dance and he had let me go. I pulled free and wandered aimlessly talking to some people I recognised til I found Josh again. He smiled relieved to see me. We wandered out to the hallway, holding hands. I saw a familiar black spikey hair do, Bouncing up the hallway. I then saw beside the black hair a familiar blonde haired figure. I was so grateful they were walking in the opposite direction. I froze, panic taking control of me. I was so stressed and disbelieving how could it be them would he be with them. I grabbed my hand back from Josh and fled back into the party.

"Bella? What is wrong? Where are you going?" Josh sounded confused and a little hurt but I was to shocked to care. I fled down the hall. I knew his voice could be heard by them.

"I will call you Josh I have to go" I gave him an apologising look and raced downstairs. At the same time I heard Alice's voice shocked, excited and pleading.

"Bella. Bella please wait. Bella come back. I can't believe it is you. Excuse me, We are coming through"

"I can't do it. I'm sorry. I can't see you" I whispered, knowing they would hear me. I was grateful the party and hall were so crowded they could not use their extreme abilities to get through the crowd. I raced to my room grabbed my packed suitcase and handbag then raced to my car. I was heading home now.

**A.P.O.V**

I could not believe it. There she was my best friend, the one my brother forced out of my life. I still had not forgiven him. At the moment I could not forgive her either. I was hurt she had ran from me. I felt shattered if I cry I would be. I thought I had her back but at least I knew where she was. I find her next semester. Jasper and I would transfer and next semester we would be Harvard students. I would have him hack into her account details and I would enrol in all her classes. She would not be able to escape me.

"Alice settle down" Jasper tried to soothe me. "She ran because she is hurting… still hurting. She was so stressed and could not handle seeing us at the moment"

"Still hurting? I knew it. I told him so. I told him it would be selfish to leave her. Told him that it would achieve nothing. Did he listen to me?" I interrupted Jasper trying to calm me. My rant was not relieving my anger instead It was only building. I was more frustrated when Jasper did not answer me "Well did he listen to me? NO he didn't. I can't let him do this. They were made for each other he was so deluded."

"Alice" Jasper grabbed me and pulled me towards to stairs so we could leave, before I created more of a scene.

"Wait!" I ordered him "that boy she was with. Where is he. He can tell us what she is doing with her break. Where she is going. I am going to find her. I don't think I can wait to next semester" I dragged him back to the party in search of the tall dark haired boy. I would get answers and I would get Bella back. She would be my best friend and if I could I would bring my brother back to life, bring him out of his living coma.

so this came to me while doing feeds at work and therefore i typed up the little story starting in my head.

hope you enjoy i shall update later when i can. please let me know what you think. all comments welcome and anything that can be improved upon is always welcomed.


	2. Chapter 2: to outrun pain

**Chapter 2- to outrun the pain**

**B.P.O.V**

I speed. I had to escape. Escape the two people who had invaded my space. Escape the pain that was threatening to pull me under. Escape this half life. I pulled over unable to keep the tears away. I slumped over the steering wheel and cried. Sobs that racked my whole body. I had to ride the waves of crippling pain and I would be successful. I would triumph over the raw emotions. I had before and I would again. I don't know how long I sat there in tears. I wondered as I had before if it was possible that there was a set amount of tears that each person could cry over someone. If there was I would believe that I had to be close to reaching that quota. Only maybe because he was not a person the rules did not apply. Maybe because I was mourning the loss of a life I wanted, a dream I craved and a family I longed to be part of. Maybe the tears allotted for me to cry were more because I lost more then my ability to love someone. Lost my ability to believe in love.

Finally I controlled myself. I pulled all the emotions, all the tears and heartache in. Shoved them back in the gapping wound in my chest and pulled myself together. I wondered what I was doing pulled over on the side of the road. Halfway to the airport. What was I doing? I wasn't leaving my car at the airport I had planned to take a taxi and leave the car parked in a friends garage. I could not stay in my room tonight, the fear they would find me, bring what I was trying to bury right up to the surface was something I could not face. I pulled out my phone calling Nikki.

"Hey Nikki, sorry to interrupt. It is just something has come up" I held back my sobs while trivialising the situation. "I am heading home tonight so is it ok if I park the car around the back of your house tonight."

"Yeah sure sweetie. That is fine. What about the keys?"

"I will stick the keys in your letterbox."

"Is everything ok? You do not sound to good?"

"Yes everything is ok. Enjoy your holidays and I will talk to you later." I hung up and cried again. I could lie to others but not to myself. I was not alright. I had not been alright in a long time. I was tired of pretending but I had no other option. I controlled myself. Normally I had better luck at keeping myself, my pain under control. They're reappearance had only shattered the tentative hold I had on reality. I allowed myself to hope that maybe this would bring him back to my life. Maybe he would realise I was good enough for him. That he need me. Lost in thoughts and impossible dreams that I had banished from my consciousness rose to the surface of my awareness.

"Noooooooooo" I screamed at myself. Screamed at him. Screamed at them and screamed at the world. I was angry. I was broken and I was tired of it all. It was exhaustion and it was fear controlling me and I needed to get myself moving. I needed to call a taxi to pick me up from Nikki's after I left the truck. I needed to change my plane tickets so I could leave on the next flight and I would need to call Charlie let him know I was coming home earlier. Home. Was Forks home? How would it be, being back in my room, back in bed. I had managed it before I left but could I do it again. Would I dream of him being there for me. Holding me while I slept. I screamed at myself again "Stop it. Stop it. Stop it." Tearless sobs this time. Maybe I had managed to cry that set amount of tears. I pulled myself together I have lost count of how many times I have pulled myself together tonight. Hopefully this would be the last. I pulled out my phone called for a taxi to collect me from Nikki's. sent Josh a text apologising for running out but I had needed to leave and head home earlier then expected. I did not want to hurt him, I knew just how painful it was to have someone run out on you. I did not want him to feel that way. To do that would be cruel. I started the engine and turned the car and headed back in the direction I had originally come from. I pulled up at Nikki's house 30 minutes later. She was a friend from work at the a local clothing store. It was the staff discounts there that had also helped my wardrobe grow. I was glad to be leaving work, I was glad to be leaving the semester behind, but I was unsure if I wanted to go back to Forks. I parked my car, stuck the keys in the letterbox and waited for the taxi. I did not have to wait long. The taxi arrived within 5 minutes of my own arrival. I slide into the back seat relieved to have to company. Relieved, because it meant I had to control myself. I told the driver I wanted to go to the air port. Then I stared out the window trapped in memories I had refused to face before. Memories I could face calmly with a stranger around but memories I would pay for later. When I was alone. When I did not have to pretend to be ok.

The drive passed quickly but then I did acknowledge time. I payed the driver and raced to the nearest free booth to change my ticket so I could leave. Thankfully there were free seats on the plane and I was even more grateful the plane was set to leave at 11.00pm only 40 minutes to wait. I decided I needed to call Charlie.

"Hey dad. It is me. Sorry for waking you"

"Mmm Bella?"

"Yes it is. My plans have changed and I am heading home earlier. I am leaving on a plane to Seattle in 35 minutes now. I will call you when I arrive and we can sort me getting from Seattle to home in the morning. Love you dad"

"Love you kid" we both hung up. I grabbed a coffee it would be a long night and a long flight.

I hated sitting still. I hated waiting and I would be sitting still and waiting for much longer the 15 minutes til the plane took off. I wandered back to the stores grabbing another coffee a pre-packed sandwich. I had not realised how hungry I was til then. I wandered further along just window shopping in the small touristy stores. I stoped when I saw a familiar book cover. I grabbed the book. It Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice a little distraction of an old friend would be perfect for the flight. It was not long til I was captivated by the world of the Elizabeth. No mater how many times I have read the story I loved it and had greatly missed my old dog eared and battered copy I had back at Forks. I pulled out my Ipod and tuned the world out completely. I am not sure when but some time after Lydia had returned married to Wickham I feel asleep. Coldplay lulling me into a dreamless sleep.

"Excuse me miss, we are arriving." A hand shook me awake, I started, startled into consciousness. The sun was beginning to show through the clouds. I was glad to be in Seattle, glad to have so much space between me and the others. I called Charlie I knew I would not waking him now.

**A.P.O.V**

I stormed into the house. Jasper could no calm me. I got so frustrated talking to that Josh. The idiot was smitten with Bella. I mean you could not blame him, but I hated him for it. I hated my brother more for it. He pushed Bella away. He pushed her into the sweet harmless but most annoyingly sincere person's arms. I could not hate Bella for attempting to move on for attempting to find peace. Well Jasper informing me of her pain destroyed any feeling of hatred. She was trying to pick up the pieces of her life now.

"Edward" I yelled so loud the windows rattled. "where are you hiding now?" I stormed up the stairs. Ripped open his door and towered over him. There he was exactly where we left me. Lying on the floor. Not moving. He hadn't moved at all. The hate I felt bubbled under the surface. It took control he groaned. I knew had seen the my thoughts. I threw images at him. Oh her startled and hurt face as she recognised us. The way she fled down the stairs racing away from us, from her pain and her hurt. "You know what you did was stupid. You do know that don't you? Don't you?" I screamed at him. "She is broken. You broke her. You are both broken how did this happen? Is this what you had planned when you cut all ties to keep her safe?" I started sobbing I hated this. I hated what had happened tonight. While I was delighted to see her the haunted look on her face was devastating. He did nothing he did not answer me. Instead he curled into a ball and sobbed himself. I ran. I had to get out his lack of motivation to make things right was killing me. I had to do something. My family was fractured. Esme was hurt as well, worried about Edward, missing Bella the daughter she thought she was going to have. I hated my life with out Bella it was emptier. I had Jasper and that made life easier. I had comfort and support. He had no-one. She had Josh insipid annoying as hell Josh. I had to plan. She was going back to Forks I would have to lie to him Talk him into returning to Forks. Talk him into making life better not just for him, but for Bella and for all of us. I continued to run.


	3. Chapter 3: Half Life

**Chapter 3- Half Live**

**E.P.O.V**

I was comatose. The living dead. I was the living dead but I was just the term figuratively. I was comatose, If I could sleep I would be instead I just lied here on the floor. I did not move, I did not breathe. I did not blink. I just watched memories of her dance across my mind. She was just there. It was like she was there smiling at me, I saw her the first day she arrived, in our meadow, our first kiss, broken and battered in the hospital bed begging me not to leave her. I saw her face when I left her. Her face when I told her I no longer loved her. Told her she was not good enough for me. That face haunted me. That face hurt me. It did not matter if she was smiling or not in my memory, happy or sad. Her face haunted me. Her face the day I left her terrified me. The look of lose, desperation and sorrow, cut at me. Hacked at my conscience. Left my dead un-beating heart trembling. I dreamt that she was happy. That she had moved on. While I wanted her to be happy, I wanted to be happy with her though. I did not want her to be happy without me.

_Stop it I told myself. You do want her to be happy, you did want her to move on_. I tried to shut my eyes. I tried to will the unwelcome thoughts away. They wouldn't leave me. I could not escape the prison that was my mind. I had been trapped in my mind. Trapped in memories for two and a half years. Every so I often would be able to escape my prison. I would awake and return to life. Only it was a half life. I could function, I would hunt but my mind would reclaim me. It would pull be back under. I could not escape.

Two and a half years later, she would be at university or I hoped she would. She would have graduated school. I wondered what she would be doing. Did she have a boyfriend? Was she in love? Had she forgotten about me? I squeezed my eyes shut. The questions would not go. The questions were made so much worse because I could not answer them. Maybe I could find her, but seeing her, smelling her, being close enough to touch her seemed to big. To hard to do. I could not see her and then turn and leave. I wanted her. I needed her. I suffered without her. How I wish she was here, how I wish I could hold her, tell her how much I needed her. How I only left her because I loved her to much to stay around and watch her get hurt. I curled up in a tight ball. Willing the pain away. Willing the stress I felt away. How I wish I could kiss her. Kiss those soft lips, listen to heart go wild and then I know this pain would be gone. I would be ok and I would be happy. I just laid there in my little ball. Letting memories drift past. It was easier to watch them, lose myself in the happy times. Anytime I remembered of her was a happy time. The only unhappy memory I skipped through, leaving her. I was such an idiot. The pictures of her slowly faded. I wanted them back. Seeing her gave my half life some comfort. Comfort because I knew I had, had love, I had love in my life. But I let her go. My mind searched, I tried to remember but trying to bring the memories back was not working for me. Searching for my mind for her, I only heard my families thoughts. Their thoughts were no comfort. Filled with worry and concern for me. Focusing on what they should do to get me living again. They thought of Bella as well. They missed her dearly that hurt me. Most painful was their thoughts of love. Love for each other. How they felt and how they loved it when their significant other held them. It was like a burning hot knife, cutting deep within me. I hated their feelings of love I was jealous and I was lonely. Their company could not satiate that feeling of loneliness within me.

I was vaguely aware of Alice's car come screaming up the driveway. The breaks were slammed on I could hear her thoughts and I did not want to. She was frustrated, angry and miserable. Thoughts of Bella danced in her mind, thoughts of Bella and another boy danced in her mind. Another boy. I could not stand the pain there. I focused harder on her thoughts as painful as it was I needed to know. She was frustrated still thinking about talking to him. He had a name it was apparently Josh. The she thought idiot was smitten with Bella she could understand him feeling that but she still hated him for it. However I was aware she hated me more for it. She thought I had pushed Bella away. She blamed me for pushing her into the arms of Josh an apparently sweet, harmless but most annoyingly sincere person. She did not hate Bella for attempting to move on for attempting to find peace. Alice's thoughts turned to Jasper. I waited wondering if her thoughts would take a drastic turn, focusing on her love of Jasper. Instead it was her thoughts of the information Jasper had told her on how Bella was emotionally distressed by their presence. That was painful to know. She was still suffering and her feeling pain had destroyed any feelings of anger could have felt about finding Bella with another person. Alice could understand that she was trying to pick up the pieces of her life.

"Edward" She yelled so loud the windows rattled. "where are you hiding now?" I could hear her storming up the stairs. She flung open my door and proceed to tower over me. Her thoughts were disgusted. Disgusted at me

_There he was exactly where we left me. Lying on the floor. Not moving. He hadn't moved at all._ The hate she felt bubbled under the surface of her thoughts. She proceeded throw images at me. Imaged of her startled and hurt face as she recognised them. The way she fled down the stairs racing away from them, from her pain and her hurt.

"You know what you did was stupid. You do know that don't you? Don't you?" Alice screamed at me. "She is broken. You broke her. You are both broken how did this happen? Is this what you had planned when you cut all ties to keep her safe?" Alice began to sob. I hated what had happened tonight. I hated what had happened two and half years ago. When I turned and walked away.

Alice proceeded to think of Bella. Of seeing Bella tonight. While seeing her was lovely, while seeing how she had changed in the two years made me glad it also hurt. The haunted look on her face was devastating. I could not answer her. My lack of response only made her so much angrier. Instead I curled into an even tighter ball and sobbed to myself. Empty hollow sobs that wracked at my body, that wracked at my mind. Alice turned and she ran. Ran out the room, ran out of the house. Her final thoughts were of escaping my lack of motivation. She believed she had to make things right. She thought our family was fractured. She thought of how hurt Esme was, she worrying about me, missing Bella the daughter she thought she was going to have. Alice thoughts were like mine. She hated out life with out Bella it was emptier. At least she had Jasper and that made life easier for her. She had comfort and support. I had no-one. Bella had Josh, how I disliked him already I knew he was good enough for my Bella. I caught the last trace of Alice's thoughts before she left. She decided she had to develop a plan. I did not know what I wanted to do. I was happy my Bella had moved on to college. A good college non other then Harvard. However, I was terribly hurt by the image of her haunted by pain haunted by her past. I could not escape those images. I turned and I ran. I ran to escape the pain I was feeling because of the pain she was suffering. I put her through that. Would my appearance in her life if I found the strength to find her, be good for her? Would it hurt her more? Would it be good for us? Would she love me again? Did she love me still?

I ran as fast I could.

edward's point finally. i hope you enjoyed.

x river


	4. Chapter 4: Death and All His Friends

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Chapter 4 Death and All His Friends

**B.P.O.V**

Forks. Forks, the place where it all began and the place where it all ended. Charlie was waiting for me at the airport his weathered face had broken into a small upon seeing me. I had only smiled tentatively in response, I was nervous, miserable and anxious with a sense of nausea. Returning here always made me feel the same. I endeavoured to be happy and participate for Charlie's sake and normally I did succeed. Only this time it was different. My denial and escape from the pain that I could leave had been shattered. I kept on waiting for them to appear again, to ruin everything that I had achieved in the last year or so. Time had blended together lately well since he had gone and there was really no escape for me.

"You ok there Bells?" Charlie quizzed. Well asked but he had asked it repeatedly and it began to feel like a quiz.

"Yes" I mumbled "Just tired, I didn't sleep on the plane." Not well the night before and well Josh was over the night before that, but I kept that to myself. Charlie didn't need to know about that. Plus telling him I was tired ensured when I escape his observant eyes and finally managed to contemplate sleep I would be left in piece to rebuild my empty existence.

"Well I will have you home soon enough. How was the last semester? Made any friends?" I smiled to myself at his questions it seemed so normal so back at my first day of school. Normal was pleasant. Normal was a lie but it was a lie I was learning to perfect. I made myself seem normal no one could see where the abnormal me ended and the facade of normal me began.

"Home will be good. The last semester was ok, I enjoyed some of the subjects as for friends yeah sure I did." I knew my answers were far from satisfactory but it was the best I could do.

"Well I know there are some friends here who will be happy to see you. Jacob will glad you are back earlier and I know Mike and Angela are back in town as well." I smiled at him in response, I was actually happy this time. Jacob was important to me, while things with us were not what he wanted I hadn't wanted to cross that line before. I was still pretty sure I didn't want to cross that line. It was not josh who made me unwilling to cross that line. Sure josh was sweet and all but he was a distraction a bandaid. Bandaid seemed accurate to describe Josh's role in my life, he covered the cut but he didn't or can't heal it. No I didn't want to cross the line previously with Jacob because I couldn't commit myself to him fully. I didn't know now I would just have to wait and see. As for Mike and Angela well they would be good to see. They stuck with me through my period of half life.

"Seeing them all will be good." I said that for Charlie's benefit, let him think that everything is ok. I hated to have him worrying about me.

"I am sure they missed you just as much as I have." I stared out the window I couldn't reply to that. Emotions were normally off topic between Charlie and I and that phrase came very close to bringing them into the conversation.

"Almost there, you are almost home, look you can see the outskirts of town now" I stared out the window, wondering why Charlie was suddenly so talkative. This was most unusual for him. Maybe he could sense some sort of tension, I didn't think I was brooding. Maybe I was, maybe I was forcing him to feel the need to fill in the awkward silences. Maybe I should make more of an effort. Making an effort in the last 10 minutes drive should not be that hard, I tried almost vainly to convince myself that I could make this trip home enjoyable. I know though Charlie can be hard to fool when I tried too hard to pretend everything is ok. I was tired of pretending. However, I owed it to Charlie to pretend, I did not want to leave after four weeks with him worried.

"It will be good to be home, my own bed, own room, own cooking even. I have a feeling even with your lack of cooking skills the meals you have been eating will be better than what the cafeteria serves." I was rewarded for attempting to joke, Charlie looked over and his face broke into a smile.

"Yes I am looking forward to some of your meals and I am sure the cafeteria food cannot be that horrible." I pulled a face at him. I had fast learnt to steer clear of a number of the cafeteria specials from lumpy grey scrambled eggs to limp salads. If I wanted fresh food that actually resembled something I would want to ingest I had to be their early or I just went to eat elsewhere.

"I think I gave you a fair idea of just how awful the food is when I said you would have eaten better than I did."

"After the few cooking disasters that you have witnessed me make, the food must be awful. Remember the spaghetti lump?"

"and the burning sauce, your melted ham and cheese sandwiches that turned into blackened rocks"

"Ok you have made your point." We pulled into the driveway, I jumped out grabbed my two bags and headed to the door that Charlie was now in the process of opening. "Are you hungry? I can always order a pizza that way you eat before you unpack and go to sleep."

"I am ok dad, I think I will just grab out some clean clothes, shower and go to sleep. I am too tired to eat anything at the moment." I walked up the stairs dropped my bags on my bed, rummaged through until I could find something suitable to sleep in.

The hot water and a private shower was a welcome relief to my tense muscles. I was unaware just how stressed I was until the heat worked its magic and eased the tension that had built in my shoulders. I shampooed my hair relaxing further as I massaged my scalp and inhaled the soothing strawberry aroma. I was beginning to feel human even with the exhaustion that was taking control of my awareness.

I walked quickly to my room, I had to energy for a conversation of any sorts, I proceeded to push my bags to the floor and then collapsed on the mattress. After a minute of staring at the familiar room I got up pulled the curtain closes. I did not want to see the window, I knew he would not come through it and just seeing it was painful. I rummaged through my bag unsure of what I was looking for until I came across my iPod. I grabbed that and also my phone. I dumped my phone on my bedside table and turned it on. I stuck the ear phones in my ear and just let it shuffle through my selections.

I closed my eyes, trying to block all unwelcome thoughts from my mind. His face floated behind my closed eyes, Jacob's, Mike's and Angela's faces soon joined. They all looked down on me accusations, hurt and confusion in their eyes. I was unsure why though. What I had done to cause them to look at me like that? I tossed and turned under my sheets, opening my eyes only to feel like I was still being watched and judged. Only I know there was no one around, except for Charlie downstairs watching sport of some sort. I rolled over, the light on my phone's screen was lit. A number of missed calls and text messages had been received while I was away. Majority of the calls were from Josh, he had left some messages as well. All asking if I was ok, where was I? When would I be back and if he could visit me during the holidays. I was to tired to respond to him, I knew I should have. However, it was just too much of an effort. Again I found myself thinking of him as sweet but clingy. I was contemplating the need to end it with him. There was a missed call from a number I did not recognise, they also left me a message just saying hello and that I should call them back. I was curious, weariness was replaced by confusion. Who would be calling and messaging me that whose number I did not have? Did one of my friends lose their phone? I decided to take the easiest option and just call back. With a question like this on my mind I would not sleep no matter how tired I was. I hit redial and listened to the phone ringing. I waited anxiously til I heard the other end pick the phone up

"Hello?" I asked tentatively. "Who is this?"

"Bella!" the voice squealed into the line "I knew you would ring back but still!" I froze, I felt the strongest urge to run, cry and hurl my phone across the room.

"Alice?" I choked out.

"Of course it is me. Did you really think I would let you go once I had found you again?" I sat their quietly holding back the sobs that accompanied the tears falling down my face. "Of course I wouldn't. I have missed you so much. Bella? Are you there? You haven't run off on me again have you?" I could hear the fear and hurt in her voice as she asked those questions of me. "Please Bella?"

"I am here" I exhaled.

"Oh I am so glad and so sorry for upsetting you. Jasper is here to and he is sorry as well. Are you ok? You sound different, quieter."

"Just in shock"

"Oh." I heard muffled voices on the other end "Well I guess that is understandable. Jasper wants to know if you are ok with talking to me. Not just in shock, because he could sense just how upset you really are."

"I will be ok" I choked back the tears, I was talking to two of the people. Entities I had been longing for. The pain I felt was crippling, the hole in my chest was gapping open, yet there was also a conflicting emotion of hope and love. Despite them being absent from my life suddenly and for so long. I loved them dearly. Alice was or had been my dearest friend and the sister I wanted so badly.

"You aren't ok. I can hear you crying. Oh Bella I have missed you so badly." She broke into her tearless sobs. I wanted nothing more than to reach out across the distance and hold her. "I will call you again later. If you want me to...?"

"Of course I do" the insecurity in Alice's voice caused me to answer without thinking.

"I love you Bella" she whispered and then the phone line went dead. I stared silently at the roof, tears making their own path down my face. I wondered what this would do to me when I woke up. What it would do to me when I slept. I grabbed my iPod up off the floor where it had dropped sometime during the phone call. Jammed the earphones in their place and tried to tune all thoughts but the music from my mind. I feel asleep somewhere in Coldplay's _Death and all His Friends_

"_All winter  
We got carried  
Or way over on the rooftops just get merry  
All summer we just hurry  
So come over just be patient and don't worry  
So come over just be patient and don't worry_

So come over just be patient and don't worry  
So come over just be patient and don't worry

So come over just be patient and don't worry

And don't worry…

Try  
Try  
Try

No I don't want to battle from the year to end  
I don't want to cycle and recycle revenge  
I don't want to follow death and all of his friends..."

* * *

being as i have still have to wait til the 4th for breaking dawn i found the time to update this story to all you lucky buggers currently reading breaking dawn i hate you. not literally because i wish i was reading it but unfortunately i have to wait til monday when it gets released.

hope you all enjoyed this chapter, the whole alice phone converstation just took on a life of it's own and decided to join the chapter.

x


	5. Chapter 5: Rain down my window

**Chapter 5: rain down my window**

**B.P.O.V**

I slept in, after the emotionally draining conversation with Alice I was unable to do anything but sleep in a comatose state. The deep sleep was probably the best thing for me. I woke refreshed and a little optimistic. I was unsure where the optimism came from. Maybe it was that I was still loved by someone who had changed my life. Loved by someone who I was beginning to be wonder if they had really existed. Her call had made me feel human. The pain I had been living in some of it subconsciously had lifted. It was as though cloud cover had lifted and I was seeing blue sky. The sun was not there, only one person would give me the feeling of a perfectly clear blue sky and sunshine. That one person no longer cared for me. I sighed and then through my feet out of my covers and then decided I really needed to eat as my stomach protested to being empty for so long. I basically sleep walked downstairs yawning the whole time.

"Morning Bells" I did not expect to see Charlie home it was a Sunday I expected him to be out fishing. "I thought you were never going to walk up. In fact I am unsure you are awake now."

"Hahaha, I do believe I am awake now." I grumbled only my statement got lost in yet another yawn. "Ok, maybe not fully awake, but I am getting there. What are you doing home? No fishing today?"

"I didn't get to see much of you last night so I thought I would stay home."

"Ok." I turned searching the pantry for cereal when successful I then foraged for milk a bowl and spoon. I collapsed at the table thinking over my conversation last night. I had gone from running away from Alice to longing to her from her again. It was nice to know she missed me as much as I had missed her.

"You there kid? Or have you fallen asleep on me again?"

"Sorry dad I was just lost in thought. What were you saying?"

I could feel him staring at me, but I was to busy concentrating on getting my cereal from the bowl to my mouth without spilling it. "I was telling you we had been invited to a barbeque at the Black's. Billy called earlier this morning."

"Mm hmm." I looked up then. "Sure count me in" Charlie then walked away mumbling about college doing nothing for my vocabulary.

I continued to unpack not that I had much with me, but I kept on getting distracted. Unwanted thoughts of him kept interrupting. I wondered what he would be doing would be he be playing at his piano, reading, hunting or thinking of me. I wondered who he would be with. I tried to banish that thought as it inevitable left me thinking he could be with someone perfect enough to suit him. That left me hollow, gasping for air, pulling in the tears and sobs I could feel building. I did not want to have Charlie up here, or worried but he would probably hide. Emotions were not Charlie's area of expertise, it left him running for the hills. I tried to shift my focus I had tonight to prepare for. Jacob to prepare for. Over excited, over eager, over the top Jacob. My best friend Jacob. The one person I could count on who was not family. As much as I loved Jacob he confused me, he made me feel good and he made me feel conflicted all at once. The contradictions he caused in me was unreal. I loved him but I did not think that love I had for him was enough. I had experienced the love that was all consuming, passionate, uncontrollable and the love I had for Jacob just seemed safe and lacklustre. Lacklustre was an unfair way to describe it, but I was scared to go settle for something less. If I was being logical, if I was being reasonable I would have realised that the all consuming, passionate and uncontrollable love was not made to last. It had not lasted it burnt itself out until I was not worth any love at all.

Unwanted tears rolled down my face. With trembling hands I swiped at the tears furious with myself. I pressed play on my cd player interested to know what cd I had left in my player. I was surprised when the marching beat of the introduction to Muse's Absolution cd started. I was pleased though it was music to lose yourself in.

I drifted lost in the music and lyrics, finding a centre. Finding some balance. I found myself staring out my window watching the rain fall. For once I was no longer upset by the presence of the rain, the trails it was leaving down my window was calming. The fragile state I had been in was fading slowly. I lost track of time it wasn't until I heard Charlie's heavy footsteps on the stairs I became aware that I could no longer hear the music in the background. I should be getting ready to go out I had a barbeque to attend. Sigh a barbeque in the rain no less.

I rummaged through my drawers looking for the pair of jeans I wanted. I grabbed my favourite blue hoodie, a jacket and boots. I was ready to go, well as ready as I could be.

"You ready Bells" Charlie yelled through my door.

"I will meet you at the car in 2 minutes" I yelled back. I searched through the mess that was my bed and blankets. In the mess I knew my phone lurked and I wanted that phone as I knew Alice would call again tonight. I longed to hear from her, it was getting me through this long, long day. There buried under my pillow was my phone, I snatched it and raced out the door. Stumbled down the driveway but I managed to right myself on the door of Charlie's cruiser. The drive was a quite one. Thankfully neither of us felt the need to fill the empty silence. I kept my hand gripped around my phone, just waiting for it to vibrate. Willing it to vibrate.

We pulled up in front of the Black's house, the rain had turned into a drizzle now. I had barely registered that we had stopped when a large shape loomed at my door.

"Bells" the next thing I knew I was sprayed with water as the drizzle entered through the open door and I grabbed in a warm hug.

"Jake, at least let me get out of the car" I protested. However my protest was lost in laughter. It was as though I had not spent all afternoon lost in thought and contemplating it all over. Being here everything was different. With Jake all logical planning and thoughts were no longer valid.

"Hurry up then. I can hardly stand here in the rain all night."

"Impatient?"

"Of course I am do you know how much I have missed you. Now you are here and you are taking your sweet time." he grumbled not noticing that I was unable to get out the car because he was standing in my way.

"I would but there is a certain someone blocking my way."

"Oh" Jake stepped back and I slid out the car to land in mud. Not that I was in the mud for long. I was picked up into a hug that smothered me and made me feel so wanted.

"Put me down. Put me down" I laughed. "I do not want to stand in the rain all night."

"Come on then" Jake laughed and carried me to their porch.

"Show off" I mumbled but secretly I loved it.

* * *

sorry i know it is a little short but i am still scrambling to find any time to myself and this story is just taking off in my head, so with any luck i will find the time to sit and get some more chapters up.

x

river


	6. Chapter 6: Pressing Issues

**Chapter 6:. Pressing Issues**

**B.P.O.V**

It was easy to fall back into the younger Bella persona. Slightly immature, willing to have fun, quick to laugh with an easy smile. I had not felt this light and normal since before he left me. I think Alice's call knowing she loved me had helped my mood. I was always happier with Jacob he released this cheerful yet calming vibe. He was my best friend for a reason even the space between us while I was away had not cause our friendship to falter. I was blessed to have him around, to have still hanging on ever hopeful. Despite the lighter feeling and the escape it offered I was still waiting on the edge of my seat to hear from Alice.

"Geez Bells what is up with you? You are so jumpy and constantly checking your phone" Jacob had caught me by surprise, there I was thinking I was being quite subtle in checking my phone for messages. I was paranoid that I was going to miss hearing from her. "Who are you waiting hear from?" I could hear in the undertone of his question and the tone that he was wondering if I was waiting to hear from a boyfriend.

"Just a good friend Jake" he pulled a face at that, probably at the condescending tone that had creeped into my voice "I haven't heard from her in a long, long time." His face broke into a smile at the word her. The relief was evident and that made me happy. I hated making him uncomfortable. Then again if he knew who the her was he would be so very very angry. Phasing angry, I could only imagine the rage it would induce. He hated them not only because they were is mortal enemies, but because according to him they endangered my life. Ironic they were mortal enemies yet he was virtually indestructible and his age was frozen and they were immortal. It still annoyed me I was the only one left to age. It was so unfair. I sighed what I thought was an inaudible sigh. Only to earn a confused glance from Jacob.

I settled back into my chair and just watched the conversations and interactions happening around me. I was content to just sit and watch. I was content to just have Jake sit beside me. It was a nice feeling to be content. I laughed with the others and Quil and Paul squabbled over left over food. They ate double the amount of Billy and Charlie combined and still found room to eat a lot more. I tried to ignore Emily and Sam, their presence though was hard to escape, oddly enough it did not affect me as much as it normally did. I watched as Leah mothered Seth and tried even harder then me to ignore the overwhelming love of Emily and Seth. I did not know how she did it. I felt a lot of pity for her, but also a sense of a kindred soul suffering from unrequited and unreturned love. However, she did not have much time for me, I could not understand why and I did not have the inclination to find out what had caused her indifference to me.

I shivered a cool breeze was blown through the open doors a combination of cool from the rain and enhanced from the sea water. As I shivered a second time I had Jake wrap is warm around my shoulder, which effectively pulled me closer to him. The extra warmth was welcome, I was still unused to a cool summer. Finally after sitting there tucked under Jake's arm I felt my phone vibrate against my leg. I literally leapt from the chair and Jake's embrace, stammered out an apology for the interruption and raced to the front porch. I answered in record time, I was anxious to hear from her.

I whispered my hello conscious of the inhuman hearing ability of the werewolf pack located 2 rooms over. In particular I was conscious of Jacob, I knew he would be listening in for the start of the conversation if not the whole conversation.

"Hey Bella" her voice chirped back over the line. I felt relief the small amount of fear I had been holding that she would disappear from my life again faded. "Why are you whispering?" curiosity was evident in her high octave voice.

"I am with some friends" I was unsure how to respond but thankfully by the pause- a brief pause but any silence from Alice no matter how brief was a pause- I could tell she thought about what I said and had decided not to pursue it any further.

"How have you been?" she launched into the questions, her bubbly personality carrying across the distance and phone lines. It was so familiar a cloud of excitement settled around me. "Are you happy? What are you doing? More importantly what are you wearing?" I answered most of her questions hoping my lack of answer to if I was happy would not be noticed. I was wrong. "Are you happy Bella?"

I pondered that. Yes I was happier then I had been in a long time because I was surrounded by friends, I had Charlie and I had heard from Alice. However, there was still an unhealing ache. A dull throbbing presence of pain. A constant feeling of loss. Was I happy? Truthfully I did not know. I knew Alice would be able to sense any lie if I told her yes I was. I went with the truth. "I do not know Alice. At the moment I am felling happier then I have in a long long time. In part that is because I have heard from you, that has made a lot of difference. Another reason is being home as hard as it is," I paused wondering if I had said to much, should I let her know I was still really hung up over her brother. I had no choice though so I continued. "while being home is hard, it is also nice Charlie is so happy to have me here and that is a great feeling to be so wanted. Also I have some friends happy to have me home from the holidays. I like having that..." I let my voice fade out and I waited anxiously for her to fill in the growing oppressive silence.

"I guess that can be understood" she sighed back. I felt a little shocked I had someone in expression of misery managed to subdue Alice.

"How have you been? What have you been doing?" I was anxious to push the topic away from me.

"I have been ok, as you know I have missed you terribly. Words cannot express how I missed you Bella." she was still subdued but her expressions of missing me, made me feel better within myself. I relished in the fact that I meant something to her. "As for keeping myself busy, Jasper and I have spent some time away from the family, we needed the space so we travelled and shopped. I shall have to take you one day Bella New York, Milan and Paris. Yes three destinations dedicated to shopping. Of course I did some history things with Jasper, the usual romantic tourist places. The Eiffel Tower, various art galleries and things that really did not interest me. It was nice to go away and just spend some time with Jazz. I mean things at home have been pretty miserable, they still are and that over whelming bleakness is palpable to us all. Even Rosalie and we all know how self absorbed she is, it had Esme and Carlisle worried Emmett stopped making his jokes about cheering us up. Jasper was effected the most of course. Actually the most besides… mmm" Alice faded out releasing she had probably said to much but I was curious. I was frozen repeating the last sentence Alice had uttered over and over in my head. Was there a chance he was suffering. Why should he be miserable? He left me. He did not love me. However, I could not push back the sense of hope that bubbled angrily refusing to be ignored. I could feel that Alice had sent something significant.

"What were you saying Alice?" I forced the words out. I had to know, I could not allow this to thought to reside unanswered in my mind. I would lose my sanity if I did not know the end of her sentence. While I knew there was a high chance I did not want to what she had to say and that it would rip me open from the inside out. I had to face the inherent risks. "Alice?" I whispered.

"I was saying that Jasper had been suffering the most because he could sense the misery and turmoil within the house."

"You had already covered that Alice."

She sighed I could tell she was planing the sentence. She was planning how to word it to me. That had me worried, she was obviously aware that it could hurt me. "Edward," she said and the just hearing his name knocked the breathe out of me. His name left me pale and trembling I could feel tears threatening to overcome me but I had a great interest in what Alice had to say. "has been miserable. Ever since we left you. Every since he left you he has not been himself." I gasped. My aching lungs could not get enough air. This was not what I was expecting to hear at all. "Bella?" her voice rose in pitch, she was worried.

"I am here" I stammered back. "just in shock."

"In shock? Why in shock?"

"He is miserable? He left me how could he be miserable. He said he did not want me" I gasped and tried vainly to pull air into my empty arms.

"He said what" she struggled to keep her voice under control. I heard to door open behind me, felt Jacob standing behind me. I knew it was Jacob I could feel the warmth radiating off his body.

"I will have to talk to you later. I need to get back inside."

"I love you Bella"

"Love you to" I whispered and I really meant it. I heard the phone click as she disconnected. I turned to face Jacob. He was leaning casually against the wall.

"Who was that. The whole 'I love you to' at the end did not seem like a friend thing."

"Maybe not a friend thing to you Jake, but to an old friend who I have not seen in long time it was suitable."

"Are you coming back inside or are you going to stand out here and risk getting cold?"

"I am coming in" I turned to walk towards the door only Charlie was heading out.

"Ready to go Bells? Now your no longer on the phone."

"Yeah I guess I am I just have to grab my bag from inside." I walked through the door. My bag was still perched on the kitchen table where I left it. As I turned to leave I almost walked into Jake I was so preoccupied. I wobbled unbalanced as stopping suddenly had left me shaken. He grabbed me.

"Steady on Bells. When will I see you next?"

"Soon Jake, I really don't have much planed."

"That will be good as we have to talk."

"We do?" that surprised me. It surprised me enough to break through the daze I was in. I could not shake the thoughts that Alice had planted there. The thought and unreal hopes that they created. While she gave me a reason to hope. If he was really so miserable to have left me wouldn't he have come back?

"Bella come on." Charlie yelled from the porch

"Bye" I called out as I stuck my head in the lounge room. Jake followed me to the door. "Bye Jake. I will see you soon"

"See ya Bells" he pulled me into a massive hug again. Reminiscent of the hug when he first saw me this evening.

I raced to the car, running from Jake and his too warm embrace, the confusion over his claim we had to speak and the over-riding confusion of Alice's conversation.

"You right kid?" Charlie asked concerned

"Yeah" I knew my answer was far from believable and far from comforting but my head was full of more pressing issues.

* * *

i am sorry about the delay to updating this as i am also falling behind on updating my other story. however, being as my life at the moment is hectic and non stop i am falling behind. i hope you enjoyed this installment. i shall try and find time to give you some more and give some more to One Beathing Heart.

x river


	7. Chapter 7: That liberating feeling

**Chapter 7:. That liberating feeling**

**B.P.O.V**

I watched the minutes tick over, if I could will it I would be asleep but my mind like time would not stop. I pondered over this evening. For a brief while I was purely content with Jacob's arm around my shoulder. I was closer to him then anyone else, not physically but emotionally. I had never let myself get that close, so emotionally dependent on a person since I had been hurt. However, with Jacob he was an exception, he was everything I needed he validated me, gave me the power and confidence to believe that maybe I really did deserve more from a relationship then something purely one sided. When I was being truthful with myself I knew my current and past college relationships were one sided and that was to make me feel wanted. There was no relationship there really I would not allow myself to get close or dependant on anyone. Jacob was an exception. I was worried about what he had to say, was he tired of just being the friend. How would I react to that. I wanted him, selfishly I wanted him. I had a lot of self reflection to do before I committed myself to a relationship with Jacob that was not the uneasy standing we had now. I tossed, changing side, how I wish things would be different. I turned again, as if I was hoping by changing my position in bed the answers would come or I would be able to find something less stressful to think of. I stared at the ceiling and counted sheep. However, counting sheep was so dull and it let my wander, instead of allowing myself to focus back on Jake I pushed his face away from my mind's eyes. Instead I saw Edward. I could no longer think of Edward as just him. I could blame Alice for that. She had humanised him for me, knowing he was suffering was hard to believe. Could he really be suffering as I had? As much as I wanted to hate him for suffering, when he had cause our suffering, I ached to hold him and tell him things would be ok. Maybe he wasn't suffering over me. Alice never specified what he was suffering from. For all I know one of his distractions up and left him. If he was suffering because of leaving me why would he have left? Why hadn't he returned? A groan escaped my lips, I was so frustrated, so torn in two. I buried myself further under my covers til I was unable to see the glow from my clock. Effectively preventing me from watching time move on.

I woke to my phone ringing. A high and insistent noise. It was refusing to be ignored determined to wake me from my unconscious escape. I glanced at the screen and contemplated throwing my phone across the room. It was Josh, I had avoided his calls til now and had not replied to his previous messages. While I knew that made me a bad person I did not want to go through with this. I owed Josh respect. I sighed and answered knowing this would not be fun.

"Hi" I tried to keep the annoyance out of my voice, however that was needless effort. My hello was slurred by sleep.

"Hey sweet. Did I wake you up?" There was an overwhelming eagerness to that hey as though he was trying to hide the insecurities lurking in the fore front of his mind.

"Yes. But I am awake now so no point apologising or calling back" I sounded harsh even to my own ears.

"Are you ok?" concern was evident in his question, but I was being cynical in believing that the concern was not just for me but rather concern that this phone call would not end as he would want to.

"Yeah I'm good actually." I struggled to keep the annoyance out of my voice and remain friendly "Just getting into the swing of being home and still waking up. Why did you call?" we had to get to the point, I could not let this drag, or else I would lose my nerve and Josh would just hang on.

"Just to say hi. I had not heard from you in such a long time." My patience was being fast used up

"A couple of days Josh. That isn't a long time."

"Well it seem like it is. Are we ok baby?" I gagged silently on the _baby_ part. I had to act now I could not string him along any longer it was cruel.

"No Josh I do not think we are ok. I should have done this before I left, but the holidays have cleared my head a bit. I am sorry to do this on the phone, it is faceless and wrong. However, I think we should take a break." A break?! I could not believe I just said break. It seemed so weak. Yet I consoled myself and my dignity, I was breaking up with him over the phone. It was a very new experience for me hopefully the last.

"You are breaking up with me?" his voice reached an abnormal pitch, I could almost hear his ego breaking and his happy delusion leaving him. I felt a little bad, but I needed to take care of myself more.

"Yes I am. I am sorry. But it is not working"

"There is someone else isn't there?" _There was always someone else Josh_

"Of course not. Are you accusing me of cheating?"

"No I just can't understand where this has come from."

"It was not working."

"There is someone else I can tell. I am not saying you are cheating but you are leaving me so you can be with him without feeling very guilty. You should be feeling guilty. I loved you Bella"

"Bye Josh. There is nothing else to say and you have just proved you don't trust me in saying I am lying about there being somewhere else."

"Bella, please don't. I want to be with you. Have your holiday fun and we shall talk about this and us when you get back."

"There is no us Josh. None. Good bye. Please give me my space."

"Bella…" I hung up and turned my phone off. I knew he would call back but I had no intention of getting involved. I needed my space and I needed my freedom. I had to focus on being myself and I wanted to find happiness within myself. I had a lot to think over and yes both Edward and Jacob factored into that. Edward because I was so very confused and Jacob because no matter what he was a vital part of my life.

I grabbed my shower bag, clean clothes and left for the shower. I felt a smile on my face. I felt free and liberated.

My shower was perfect, the hot water and the pounding on my back just aided my sense of happiness. I shampooed and conditioned my hair, twice. I felt like I deserved the chance to pamper myself, I was slowly healing. Just thinking of healing had normally caused excruciating pain instead today I did not feel that awful emotional crippling agony. I hummed to myself as I walked into my room. I hooked my Ipod up to the dock after some searching for it. I found it located under my bed I must have dropped it in my sleep. I put it on shuffle happy to let the Ipod decide which songs I would listen to. Vampire Weekend's A Punk started and I danced happily around my room tidying and just relishing the experience of being myself. I laugh as I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror my face is flushed and my eyes have an odd sparkle to them. I wander over to my phone to turn it on, not to check if Josh had called, I know he would have. I was right but I ignored the three missed calls that was from his number. Instead I scrolled through my contacts til I came across Angela's and Mike's number. It was time for this new Bella to catch up with some old friends. The plan was to head to the beach, I assured Angela that Ben was more then welcome and I would have told her to invite him along but she had beaten me to it by asking. I ate breakfast and made a selection of sandwiches, if we were hanging out that beach we would need sustenance.

I basically skipped to my car, still amazed at the level of freedom I was feeling. For once I was at home and happy. Amazing what leaving behind relationships that only fulfil a role to validate yourself does. I had been stuck in a relationships to make myself feel better but when I had left it I felt validated. I was being myself, instead of trying to be myself with someone else. I wondered if my thinking process would make sense to anyone else but myself. Not that I cared.

sorry about the delay again, if i had it my way life would just stand still so i could sit and type because i really want to keep my stories going instead of typing it a paragraph at a time. which i am currently doing with both my stories. the next OBH chapter is almost up if i don;t get disrupted tonight i might just finish it. if not maybe tomorrow

keep those fingers crossed

x


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